Is This Our Farewell
by yami1234
Summary: To know what was going to happen or why things happened wasn't for anyone to understand. The choices that were made, no matter how justified was something she was going to have to learn to live with. As Maggie struggles to come to terms with not knowing the fate of Glenn, she cant help but think of her conversation with Aaron in the sewers. Based on season 6 episode 5 "Now"


**_This fanfiction was inspired by the Walking Dead episode 'now'_**

 _ **The conversation is from Maggie's POV after her initial conversion to Aaron within the sewers. For those who haven't seen this episode, this story does contain spoilers.**_

The room was lurid, louder than it had normally been since we had first arrived here. With the relentless moaning of the horde just mere feet away, separated only by the protection of a quickly constructed wall, I knew that no one here in Alexandria was going to be sleeping anytime soon tonight. How could they? How could we all hope to sleep when so much has happened, when we've lost so much? How could anything possibly be made right when everything we had planned, everything we had worked for, seemed to be in vain? A failed attempt that took away too many good people, that tore families apart, how can anyone possibly hope that once the sun had set, that a dreamless slumber was even plausible?

I wiped my eyes in a foolish attempt the stop the tears. It was useless, no matter how much I willed myself to stop. I was stronger than this, I had to be tougher than this. But as much as I knew what I should have done, what I should be focusing more on, every time I saw the untouched spot next to me, I felt a heavy weight in my chest that with an invisible force, knocked the wind from my lungs. Even after my useless attempts to grasp for my breath, I still felt that weight. It was maddening, it was suffocating. I wanted to scream, to yell at the top of my lungs, anything to get away from this unending pressure. But it would be useless. I could yell or shout or cry as loud as I had wanted, but in this home, with those undead creatures lurking so close, all of those sounds would be washed out by them.

How much time has passed now? It could have been minutes, hours maybe. The concept of time had all but blended together, but after however long had it been, I managed to shift away from the feeling inside my chest. I sat up forcing myself to inhale and exhale slowly, trying to shake off the last of my nerves. Reaching over to the other side in a last ditch attempt to calm myself, I reached for his pillow holding it tightly against my chest as I buried my face into it. With a slow deep breath, I allowed his faint and lingering scent to fill my lungs.

I laughed weakly to myself, only imagining how pathetic I must have looked. Growing up and watching those awful romance stories on the television with my mother or reading those love novels had always seemed pathetic and dull when the woman reacted much like I was now when their lovers had left, gone somewhere away from them. I had always told myself that in real life no one acted like that and it was all a TV made moment to pull at the heartstrings of sappy teenagers and old women alike. But now, now in this very real moment their reactions didn't seem so unreasonable. The only difference was the pain they were meant to portray was scripted, mine was real. Real and painful.

Taking another deep lungful, I felt some of the pressure in my chest unhinge and for what seemed like the first time today, I took a painless breath. The pain was still there, buried deep inside, but I had finally managed to step past it, allowing myself to think without fear. Closing my eyes, I couldn't help but think back to the events of earlier, within the sewers with Aaron. I couldn't help but replay my conversation, my revelation, and a hidden secret with him.

 _"_ _No! It's over!"_

It was true. Our journey had ended before it ever truly began. An imprudent idea that I knew had been bred out of fear and desire. I allowed my judgement, my irrationality of the situation to overshadow everything else. A part of me was glad that Aaron and I had gotten attacked by those walkers when we did. I knew it sounded crazy, but it was at that moment, that moment when I came face with one of them, that I knew my search was over. It wasn't that it had been my first time ever encountering walkers, I knew that, but this time had been different. This time had snapped me back. To realize that it was no longer my safety that I had to fear for. I was now the protector of one other than myself. That moment was the first time I had been face to face with one of them, with the sudden realization that if I died, so did perhaps the only piece I had left of him. And I couldn't risk that. No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much I fought against the urges. I knew my safety, the safety of our unborn child, was more important, more valuable than any promise that I would ever make. I also knew, he would have agreed with me, certain that he wouldn't have approved of what I had done. It was because of that purpose that I remained here, while he was somewhere out there, alive or dead

 _"_ _I burned his last picture of me because I said he wasn't going to need it anymore… because I was never going to be away from him again."_

My mind roamed back to the time, a period that seemed so long ago, in which I had made that promise. A stupid yet simple promise that had been so carelessly made, knowing that such assurances were hard to keep in the world we now lived in. But still I made it, tried everything in my ability to keep it. It had been made what now could be called false hope, but at that time, it didn't seem false. I had thought that keeping such a promise was possible. Born from a situation that casted us apart, scattered the remaining family we had to different places, we had found each other. The odds were stacked so high against us, but regardless of that, we both defied expectations. If only I could know if they could be challenged again.

 _"_ _I'm pregnant…..""He didn't want me to go out there and I said yes. And if I have gone out there, if I was with him, maybe I could have helped him."_

My throat constricted as my hand came down to lay over my flat stomach. The confession. It had escaped my lips before I could stop myself. It had been a secret, our long held secret, which we had planned to reveal to everyone when they got back. Reveal it when we thought we were finally safe. But now that's all changed, all our plans gone. Our secret had now become mine to carry, mine to alone cherish for as long as I could before the others caught on. But in that moment I had revealed it to Aaron. Aaron, a man I had barely known, was now a secondary keeper of this precious knowledge. I don't know what drove me to admit it to him. Perhaps it was the overwhelming guilt I had, of knowing that I had jeopardized what may have been the last piece I'd ever have of him. Or maybe it's because I desperately wanted him to understand, to comprehend why I had changed my mind, why I decided that our journey was over at the locked gate.

 _I don't know if he's alive… ""He would have shown me, that's what Michone said. I just wanted to see his face again…"_

I clutched his pillow tightly to me, burying my head into it as my mind strayed back to the list of names placed upon the wall. His name had been up there, carelessly placed by those who had already given up on him. Perhaps it belonged there, possibly would in due time it would find its way back underneath the others. A final memorial to a man who selflessly died to ensure others could get back here safely. But I erased it, I smudged out the five letters up there. They had no right to be the ones to put it there in the first place. That was my responsibility, my decision. Until I knew for sure, until I could say for certainty that it belonged there, that spot would remain empty. Even if everyone else had given up hope, it didn't mean I was ready to accept it. I wasn't ready to give up on him just yet. Not when….

 _"_ _I can't. I don't get to know what will happen and I don't get to know why it happened… what I did right or wrong... not now."_

All I could do was hope, to pray to a God that I didn't know if I could believe existed anymore or not. I knew I had to accept that the knowledge of his fate may never be known to me, may never be answered and I had to prepare myself for that. But I couldn't help but think, contemplate what a few years' time may bring. Questions from someone who will want to know, who will wonder about their father. How can I answer the questions they may have? How can I explain, that despite how much I wanted to, how much I fought against it, that I couldn't go out there and discover the answer?

I knew Aaron was feeling the same way, both guilt and helplessness are but the only logical explanation I could convince myself of, of his reasons for coming with me, for finally agreeing with my choices. We both had to come to accept, that sometimes things weren't going to have an explanation or a reason, we just had to move forward.

I clenched my eyes shut tightly, feeling the tears soaking the pillow that was once again clutched to my face. It sounded so simple, it all did, to merely move on and accept what was, but it wasn't. It wasn't ever going to be accepted, no matter the outcome. I was forever going to be questioning my choice to my promise to stay behind, of the choice of not searching. I was endlessly going to be hurt with the empty promises I couldn't keep. No amount of rational thoughts were ever going to erase it. I loved him, still love him. I hoped that one day I could learn live with this aching, this guilt.

 _"_ _I have to live with that and you do to…"_


End file.
